


This was not supposed to happen.

by Yrd



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: And Lance, Late Night Writing, M/M, Protect Keith, Protect all of them, first work?, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-08-23 02:58:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8311249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yrd/pseuds/Yrd
Summary: Keith doesn't know if he made the right choice. Growing up alone taught him to only consider his own facts and trust his instincts. He didn't mean for things to turn up this way, and if he could, he would've done better.





	1. This Was NOT Supposed to Happen

**Author's Note:**

> I always love feedback, please do supply some! Ideas, anything. This is my first work on AO3.

_**This was not supposed to happen.** _

  
'This' referring to the fact that the blue paladin was currently painfully pinned down to the ground by a giant rock with Galra soldiers on their way, probably to claim the blue lion currently preventing the rest of the rock slide that threatened it's pilot.

  
It was indeed surprising when Lance had realized that the army had noticed him get out of his lion, for the rest of his crew was supposed to cover his journey into the enemy ship. You can imagine his surprise increase when he saw them not shoot at him, but rather the large mountain that loomed over him. Of course, he realized their plan too late and was rained on with rocks, or at least would of been if it wasn't for his partner.  
Lance was currently coming back to his senses which he wasn't quite aware he was knocked out of. Coming back to reality was like a cold splash of water to his face. Pain, shooting up his sides made him gasp sharply. He was thrown to the ground in response, taking a few quick breaths before he adjusted to the pain enough to think past it. He propped himself up on his elbows, glancing down at his legs. Well, leg. Only one was visible and thank god- he could move it. But the other was sitting painfully underneath the only large rock that Blue let slip by. The sight sent him back to the ground as more pain threatened to blind him with tears.

  
"-ance! Lance!" The speakers in his helmets were blaring out his name. How could he not have heard that before? "Lance, can you hear us? What happened?"

  
Lance licked his lips quietly, preparing himself. He didn't want to freak his team out. _I'm fine, just currently under a giant rock and I think I hear Galra soldiers coming. Everything's peachy!_  Yes, that would definitely go well.

  
"I'm okay-" Lance winced when his voice cracked. _Convincing_. "But I'm currently in a sticky situation." He gave them all a classic Lance laugh, although quieter since he could already feel his energy start to go. He was losing focus, and he couldn't help but wonder if this is what it feels like when you die.

  
"Okay. Pidge, Hunk, Keith, I need you to cover us. I'm going in to go help Lance." Shiro took control as he should, setting up a plan. The green and yellow paladin both made sounds of agreement. "Kei-" 

"I got Lance, I'm already close." Keith responded, defying their captain's orders. Surprisingly, Shiro didn't say anything. It was probably due to the fact that Lance hadn't objected to having his once-nemesis-now-crew-mate come help him, which meant that he was in need of immediate assistance.

  
"Fine, we'll cover you. Be careful, and don't be proud." Shiro said, his commanding tone faltering slightly. He was clearly worried, for the two didn't get along very well.

  
Keith landed meters away from where Lance was, a large amount of debris surrounding the incident. He could hear the soldiers quickly gaining ground; he had to act fast.

  
When he saw Lance, he froze for a second. It was that second, seeing him under a rock, facing the sky, with his limbs stretched out against the terrain that Keith thought the annoyingly spontaneous boy had died.

  
So when he saw his chest rise, Keith felt all the weight go off of his shoulders.

  
_Lance was alive._

  
**Lance is alive.**

  
And he wouldn't let that fact become false.

  
He marched over to Lance who turned his gaze to the red pilot, offering a wide smile and a wave. It made Keith want to punch him and comfort him at the same time.

  
"If this is a sticky situation, I don't want to know what your situation will be if you're 'in trouble'."

  
Lance gave a weak laugh. Keith was here, which meant things were going to be okay. Keith was basically second in command (although not verbalized) so it'll be okay. _It'll be okay_. The tension in Lance had left. He felt a bit more safe. He let his guard down a bit, relaxing his shoulders.

  
Keith studied the rock, then his leg. When Lance yelped in pain, he had jumped away like a cat unfavourably touching their nose to water. It amused Lance, but now wasn't the time to joke around. The sounds of the approaching warriors were getting louder, and Lance's vision was getting hazy. He tried not to focus on the pain.

  
"What's wrong with Lance?" Hunk managed to ask between their battle talk, concern anywhere but hidden. He wasn't one to conceal.

  
"Just stuck." Keith supplied, which Lance laughed at. His laughter was getting weaker, worrying everyone else.  
Keith took off his helmet so he could directly speak with Lance. "I don't have enough time to get my lion and figure out how to free you, and I don't know how much pain that'll inflict on you, not to mention the fact you'll probably bleed out. You really got fucked over this time, huh."

  
Lance nodded and gave him a chuckle. He was glad Keith told it to him straight, but left him wonder what other options there were available. The army was almost upon them, he could see them in the distance. "Keith, shit- they're almost here-" he warned, and that's when the first shot landed a few feet away from them.

  
"Shit, fuck-" Keith cursed, losing his composure as he ran his hand through his hair stressfully. It was the first time Lance had really seen him lose his cool, and he knew it was time to fight back. Movement hurt like hell, but it was the only way he could properly shoot back at then Galra army steadily approaching.

  
Keith's face went blank as his mind formed one thought. "Lance, bite down on your hand." He instructed, taking out his weapon. In a way, Lance was lucky to have Keith here, for he was the only on that could do this task.

  
"Why? I don't get it-" Lance started to say before Keith shoved one of Lance's hands in his own mouth.

  
"Just do it, don't remove it." Lance supplied no real answer. Lance hand his other arm holding up his shield, still trying to protect them.

  
Keith studied the leg again, touching the limb gently in a calculating manner. He swore he felt Lance shiver slightly from pain in which contorted his clueless face.

  
"Sorry Lance."

  
Then he brought his sword down the leg. It was a horrible scream that erupted from Lance's mouth, although muffled by the hand he was now biting down on. His vision went white and his senses hazy as they filled with pain. He didn't quite know what was happening; his mind too clouded and the pain too much for him to check. It took two more pain filled strikes to release his leg from the rock, the leg now a stump that was roughly a quarter of the thigh that had previously existed. Lance couldn't refocus, his mind numb from shock. Keith put his shied up, seeing how Lance was incapacitated at the moment. He put his helmet back on to hear three extremely worried voices pressing for questions.

  
"Lance is currently alive. He needs a healing pod now though." Keith picked up the semi-unconscious man, holding him in front of himself in a backwards piggyback sort of style. He fought around the Galra army, making a run for the red lion who was ready to take them in. The blue lion seemed to take the hint as it released the rocks that it had become immobilized to stop from crushing his pilot any further. They made it to the lion, it scooping them up. "I need to retreat and get him to a healing pod." Keith spoke as he put Lance in the pilot chair and tried to quickly wrap up the wound. The enemy was right on them, shooting at the lions.

  
"In that case, I think we should all retreat. We aren't winning this without Voltron. This was an ambush, clearly..." Shiro said, his voice more emotional than calculating. The truth was there without any words; he was worried for Lance.

  
The red lion fired up, Keith driving while on his own two feet, where Lance rested comfortably and safely in his pilot chair. The camera that let pilots communicate more privately came to life, and Shiro appeared on screen. "Explain." He demanded with clear worry in his tone, flying beside the red lion. Keith felt bad for the guy, knowing that Shiro had gone through the pain of losing his team.

  
"Can't, I need to get him there as fast as I can." Keith said, not wanting to give detail and worry him more. He knew the way the camera was set up you could only set a part of Keith and mostly Lance, hunched over and now fully unconscious in the chair.

  
"You can multitask, you bicker all the time with Lance while flying. I want to know before the others."

  
"Lance was trapped under a giant rock that was crushing his leg, with Galra soldiers on their way. It was a goddamn trap just for him, Shiro." Keith was getting more angry. He felt like he had a good hunch with those sort of things, but now he doubted it.

  
"So, what did you do." Shiro responded, keeping it rather formal.

  
"I cut his leg off."

  
"...What?" Shiro seemed shocked, but it wasn't surprising to Keith. He glanced over to the screen and took in Shiro's face as it quickly overcame with a look of understanding.

  
"We had no time, and if they caught him he'd be dead. Now excuse me," Keith said as he hurriedly landed his lion inside the ship. "- I need to save this idiot's life." He jumped into action, picking Lance up with the uttermost care.

_Ugh, you got blood all over my cockpit._

  
He ran down the corridors, straight to the healing pod. He gently put Lance in, propping the blue paladin up and starting up the healing pod.

  
Keith took a moment to just breathe. He more or less did it. Lance was in a bad state, but he was still alive. And if he knew Lance at all, he knew he would fight for anything. He was already planning something to say when Lance would get out again. He wanted to show that he was glad the blue paladin was safe.

  
Just then, the other three Paladins came running onto the scene. The all looked at Keith with wide eyes. He was all sweaty, still panting lightly for his breath. He had Lance's blood all over him. All in all he looked terrible.

  
"He's... Alive." Keith managed out, running a hand through his hair.  
Just then, Allura came marching in. She held a cool exterior, but by the way she hurriedly walked over to the pod, you could tell how worried she was.

  
This gave them an opportunity for them to look over Lance, now deformed and almost frighteningly pale.

  
"What did you do to him?!" Pidge turned with an accusing finger to Keith, clearly overcome with emotion. He seemed shocked.

  
"He's alive... I..." For once, Keith was lost for words. _I did what was best, right?_

  
Pidge continued to glare at him. "You permanently scarred him! Healing pods don't heal missing limbs, you idiot!" They were nearly in tears and behind them was Hunk who had the exact same expression. They both think he did something wrong.

  
_I did the right thing, right?_

  
Shiro spoke up. "He had to make a choice, and the only other option was to be taken by Galra soldiers. Don't go pointing the blame."

  
"He's right," Allura spoke up, staring at Lance. "Who knows what could of happened if Lance was taken by the Galra army. He's here."

 

"He's **scarred for life!"**

  
Keith didn't know these emotions as they hit him. The seed of doubt was already in place. He felt completely overwhelmed.

"I'm...I'm going to go wash off." He muttered, briskly walking away.

  
Shiro glanced at Pidge and Hunk with a disapproving look, then realized just how fragile these rookies were. They were just _kids_ , they couldn't help but get this emotional about the guy that did get on their nerves, but was also a friendly person. The green and yellow paladins knew him more than anyone on the ship, so it made sense that they reacted in such away but did not justify their actions. He directed his glance to the floor.

  
"Alright, we won't do any good standing here. Pidge, Hunk, go freshen up in your quarters. I'll keep watch over Lance until you return." Shiro commanded, and with their heads low and full of regret, the two left.

  
Allura sighed at the spectacle. "They are so young, I didn't realize that before but now.." She sighed, staring at Lance.  
"It just kind of hit me myself just now. They can't comprehend and think past things like this. I hope Lance will get up soon." Shiro murmured, running a tired hand through his hair.

  
"You should go freshen up too. I'll be here, don't worry." Allura turned to him with a kind smile, which he returned with a half of his own. He nodded in agreement.

  
"It won't help Lance if we fall apart without him." Shiro said, "I'll be back soon Princess."

  
And with that, he marched off.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave any and all feedback, it's greatly appreciated!


	2. A Seed of Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith struggles through his own thoughts of the event, and it leads to some... things.

 

Keith sat on his bed, staring at the ground a few feet ahead. He was unfocused, in his mind going through those few minutes that caused such a drastic change in their lives. Lance is missing most of a limb now, and it was his doing. He ran through the scene again. How large was the army approaching? How far away was his lion? How much blood had Lance lost? He tried and tried for a different solution. In conclusion, he came up with 5 words.

_I could have done better._

Keith ran another stressed hand through his hair. He did not like this horrible jumble of doubt. Facts started to blur. The lion seemed closer in his mind and the army turned into a handful that Lance could've easily shot down. The rock seemed more like a pebble, and still, Keith had chosen to make his teammate -a part of the only people he's really had in his life- suffer with an irreversible wound.

Keith had never really doubted himself before. It was a horrible feeling that started at the pit of his stomach and grew to constrict his entire chest. He always relied on his instincts rather than formulating a plan. After all, not all situations had time to come up with a plan. But when Pidge and Hunk looked at him with _those eyes_ he was sent into a flurry of emotions he had never really had the chance to experience before.

So he got up, and marched his way to the training area.

He turned on the simulator, resuming at the level he had left off at; level 3. He shed his coat and drew his sword, preparing as an enemy formed in front of him. This was a fair match.

Or at least it would've been if he was focused. He couldn't get the images of earlier out of his head. Lance laughing when he got bad news. Why did he laugh? Keith couldn't just figure it out. A pole jabbing into his abdomen sent him back into reality, shoving him several feet away. He laid on the ground for a moment, letting the simulation catch up to him. He forced himself up, dodging as the pole threatened to send him back a few more feet. He usually loved to practice fighting. It helped him learn to react rather than think on the battlefield. Today was not that case. He despised it. He just kept thinking about the same situation with the same blue paladin laying underneath the sky with his leg still pinned down by that rock. Those limbs askew as Keith thought he was dead and that confused look on his clueless face.

_I did the wrong thing didn't I?_

He lunged towards the simulation with an angry shout.

_I didn't even warn him, he deserved that much._

The enemy dodged and swung it's pole across the black haired boy's face. He winced and staggered back.

_He would of probably told me not to though._

He lunged again with another shout. He was fighting with his rage. What was he angry at exactly? Himself?

_Even if it cost his life, he'd argue over that too._

The simulation seemed not to care anymore. It dodged easily, sweeping at his feet. Keith stumbled and crashed to the ground. He quickly turned onto his back, trying to find his sword which had fallen out of his grasp.

_I could've done better if I just-_

He scrambled to get to his sword but before he had made it halfway towards it, a voice sounded out. "End simulation."

Keith turned towards the owner of the voice, finding Shiro standing there. He had washed himself, now dressed in his casual clothes. Keith grimaced and picked himself up before reaching and grabbing his sword. He straightened himself up before turning back to Shiro. "Why did you do that?" Keith questioned, standing near the middle of the training floor.

Shiro straightened himself from his position of leaning on the entranceway to walk towards Keith. "I came to talk Keith."

"I don't want to talk right now." He muttered, glaring at his weapon.

"Keith, I know that it was a big choice you had to make."

"Yeah, so? I made it. It's in the past now, we just have to live with what's next." Keith didn't believe his own words. He wanted to. He wished he was able to make a better choice.

Shiro looked at him with some sort of pity. It made his blood boil. He didn't want pity of any kind. He was strong, and he didn't need pity, he could do better without it. Shiro placed his hand on Keith's shoulder. "Keith I just think that we should talk about this-"

"Shiro, right now I don't want to talk. I just want to train." Keith said, looking up to Shiro. Shiro was taken back by Keith's determination on his face. He wasn't going to budge, Shiro realized.

"Fine." He responded. "Let's train." Shiro said, taking a couple of steps back before getting into a fighting stance.

"Shiro, you're not serious." Keith said calmly, staring with surprised eyes.

"I'm dead serious. No weapons, just hand to hand combat." Shiro responded, not budging out of position.

"...Fine." Keith responded, tossing aside his weapon with carelessness that usually did not suit him. He got into position.

There was no warning as Shiro made a quick jab to the left, followed by an unexpected hook to the right. Keith had blocked the first attack but the second on hit him in the cheek. Keith stepped back a pace, angrily throwing punches. It frustrated him when Shiro dodged them like it was petty flies buzzing around him. None of his shots landed, until Keith went to land a kick to his torso. Shiro grabbed his leg, holding it firmly.

"Shit-" Keith cursed as he lost his balance due to the stop mid-kick. He tried to pull his leg out as he awkwardly squirmed on his planted foot to remain upright. Shiro just watched him, holding his leg firmly. _He's not even trying_. Kieth realized, and felt a spark set off inside him. He jerked his leg towards himself with considerable force, pulling the larger man toward him. Keith landed a jab square in his chest, knowing deep down that this was still just training. Shiro had the wind knocked out of him for a moment, releasing Keith's leg.

Shiro retaliated, throwing a couple of punches and fakes, making Keith over anticipate. When Keith threw his next jab, Shiro grabbed his arm, swiftly moving to the side and pulling his arm to the ground, successfully flipping Keith onto his back. Keith groaned but quickly got back to his feet, facing the taller man. He could feel his anger bubble up. _He's not even trying is he. He's mocking me._

Shiro stood there in fighting stance, waiting for Keith's next move.

_He's waiting for me because he thinks I'm weak._

Keith got back in stance, letting out a small sigh.

_Why is he doing this? It's humiliating._

Keith lunged forward, throwing a fake punch followed by a kick.

_He's being a real asshole._

Shiro took the shot to the side, but barely staggered.

_Why won't he fall at least once?_

Keith grimaced as he threw more jabs and hooks at Shiro in no actual order.

_Why can't I knock him down at least once?_

Shiro blocked most of the shots, and the ones that landed didn't even make him flinch. His face seemed etched in stone.

_He's MOCKING me!_

Keith could feel anger bubbling over himself. Rage consumed him.

_Asshole!_

He lunged forward, pulling his hand back. Shiro seemed surprised, caught off guard by Keith's sudden change of pace.

_Stop it!_

That's when Keith landed a hook square in Shiro's face.

Shiro fell backwards, immediately covering his face. Keith was panting softly. It took him a second to realize what exactly he had done. He had punched his captain. In the face. What brought it on Keith couldn't exactly place, so he brushed it off as stress. He just stood there, conflicted from walking away and cooling off or helping Shiro and trying to apologize. He stared at Shiro rather blankly. "...Shit."

Shiro groaned softly, now pinching his bloody nose. He looked up to Keith with an emotionless, guarded face.

"Shit, Shiro, I'm sorry. Here, um-" Keith ran over to his jacket, the only thing not currently covered in sweat, and ran back. "Here." He offered, holding out his jacket. He knew how to get bloodstains out of it. He didn't mind.

Shiro got to his feet, pushing Keith's jacket away and back into Keith's chest. He gave an uncomfortable soft laugh. "It's okay, really." He said simply, but Keith doubted those words held much substance.

"Okay? I just took you down!" Keith found it unreasonable that Shiro wasn't upset at him.

"Isn't that the point of training? I'll admit it was dirty but it did the job. I'm going to wash up." Shiro said with the same smile as before. That tense, uncomfortable, forced smile. He gave Keith a pat on the shoulder. Keith watched, dumbfounded, as Shiro walked away with his head held high. He suddenly felt like he could never be a leader like Shiro was. It hurt his pride to admit it though.

Keith stared at the floor. He felt like his thought process was slowed down, trying to think what to do next. He figured out that first he had to pick up his weapon. He walked over and grabbed it, picking it up. He slung his jacket over his shoulder. He could feel the sweat start to cool off and his body start to smell. He had to shower. Then what?

_Go wait for Lance_. His brain supplied for him. Keith shrugged to himself, not bothering to wonder where that came from. He was just worried for the guy. And unlike a bloody nose, a missing limb does not simply go away. He had nothing better to do anyways.

Keith made it to the main area of the ship. The 'living room' if you will. He had to walk by this area to get the hygiene centre. He barely made it past the entrance when a certain small paladin was a mere few feet in front of him.

"Why did you punch Shiro?" Pidge questioned, a calm tone over washing their voice.

"How did you know-"

"He said earlier that he was going to talk to you, then he comes out a few minutes later with a bloody nose. It's not hard to put two and two together."

"Listen, I just want to wash off." Keith muttered, stepping around their petite figure.

Pidge turned on their heels, sending daggers to Keith's back. "You're awful."

Hunk, who had been lounging, spoke up. "Pidge-"

"No! Keith had no right to do that and I won't let you try and justify it. You had no right to scar Lance or hurt Shiro, Keith." Keith stopped in his tracks. He was right by the doors.

_They're going to fight if I don't stop them. Then there's another mistake I've made that I can't fix._

"Listen-" Keith turned to face the two. "Pidge's right. I had no right." He said in a flat tone. There, conflict solved, since there is a victor. After a heavy silence, he turned back to the doors and went through. He left those two to their own tools, leaving them that silence that felt too long. That was where Lance would change the topic to something more interesting or uplifting.

He missed Lance, more than he cared to admit. It was nice having someone compete against you and be your friend at the same time. Of course they weren't actually that close, but it would take time.

Keith bathed in silence. He washed the sweat away, letting his mind wander. He really didn't think of anything important and that he was thankful for. He was soon finished, getting dressed in fresh clothes. At least they had a sped up version of laundering in space. Add that to the pros of being the defender of the universe. The pros usually outweighed the cons, which made Keith feel happy. It was pleasing that he had such an important job.

He stepped out of the area feeling a bit refreshed. He walked across the living area and straight to the healing pods. It was a long walk through the corridors, but Keith wasn't one to complain. He enjoyed the large open areas the castle provided. It gave him space to explore.

He arrived at the healing pod with a long sigh. He sat down next to it, leaning against the pod's frame. He didn't care how long he had to wait, he just wanted to make sure Lance was alright. It was more or less his fault that he had to be in there. Keith could feel that pressure of doubt crawl back into his skin.

_What if he blames me?_

Keith blinked owlishly. He gave himself his own answer as he got more comfortable for he'd be waiting for awhile.

_It's my fault anyways, he has the right to blame me._

 


	3. Betrayed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith struggles to not feel like an outcast.

 

 

Keith did not know when he had fallen asleep, but he soon woke up hunched over, leaning against the pod still. He stretched awkwardly, wincing slightly as his neck ached along with various other places. He sighed as he relaxed, slouching over. He rested his elbows on his knees, glancing at the pod. Lance's leg didn't look right, but it seemed like the pod was doing its job for the wound had stopped bleeding and seemed smaller. Keith couldn't help but let out a long breath. He didn't like not knowing how Lance would react to _this_. 

He felt glued to his spot, his legs not wanting to get up. It made him wonder how long he had been out, but without anything to indicate any sort of time let alone human time measurements he was left wondering. He forced his legs to work, standing up. He knew it'd be awhile before Lance would come out, but he did not want to miss it. He wanted to explain himself. 

Lance didn't seem to like him that much though, so it wasn't like he would hear him out. Keith walked towards the exit. He knew waiting around now would just drive him crazy. The red paladin walked to the dining hall, where he walked into a surprising scene. 

Everyone except Lance and himself.

 

Eating. 

 

Laughing. 

 

**Without him.**

 

The scene seemed to crash down in front of them when they realized the boy standing in the doorway. 

 

"Keith, we didn't expect you to wake so soon!" Allura spoke quickly, giving an apologetic smile. "Please, have a seat." 

 

Keith was still in shell shock. His only family seemed better off without him. He was disconnected from the group. He walked over to his chair with a straight face. He sat next to the empty middle seat where Lance had made his chair since the first few days. It was a sad chair now that it was not being used. He settled into his seat with a soft sigh, ignoring the awkward glances towards him. He did however look over to Shiro. There was little to no sign of earlier's incident other than his nose being ever-so-slightly swollen.

 

Keith looked down at the table in front of him. Coran got up, hurriedly heading to the kitchen to serve him a plate and grab utensils. There was a heavy silence that hung in the air, so thick that it was suffocating the room. Keith glared at the smooth surface. He had caused this. Everyone blamed him, he was sure of that fact. When the plate of the usual green goo that he had grown accustomed to landed in front of him, he stood up. This room was too suffocating for him. "If nobody minds, I'm going to eat at the healing pods." He glanced around, not expecting an objection as he picked up his plate. 

 

"Um, Dude, I'm sure Lance won't get up anytime soon-" Hunk started, pausing as he realized how Keith had flinched ever so slightly. "Why don't... why don't you eat with us?" 

 

Keith shook his head. "I'd rather wait there." He lied, but the truth that refused to come out wasn't any better too. He got to the door, then glanced over his shoulder. "As you were." He commented as he left the room in a stunned silence. 

 

Keith walked back to the pod, glancing around as he sat next to Lance's pod. He ate in the silence, trying to enjoy the _unique_  flavour. After a few bites, he glanced back up to the pod. He couldn't help but wonder what would Lance say to see him so pitiful. Would he make fun of him? Probably. 

 

It was just that it was his fault. He felt bad, that was all.

He went back to eating, quickly finishing off the plate. He was full, but didn't want to have to wait around here without something to do. 

 

He got up, heading back to the hallways that felt a bit too empty for once. Had something moved while he was gone? He wasn't sure. He made his way back to the kitchen, dropping off his plate. He snuck out of the usually public area and made his way to his quarters, sighing as he opened the familiar doors.

 

He stood in his room for a moment. Now what? He had no clue what to do and nothing seemed appealing. He would usually be training, but that had currently lost appeal after he had lost it on Shiro. He squeezed his fists into tight balls, his knuckles turning white underneath his leather fingerless gloves. 

 

He felt so betrayed. For the first time on this ship he felt truly alone. Why didn't they wake him up for the meal? Coran was always going on about staying healthy and part of that is eating three meals a day. Did they really dislike him that much? Anger boiled through his veins.

 

Betrayed. Thats what he was.

 

Suddenly, training seemed like a fantastic idea.

 

But of course, that's when the alarm went off. He froze for a second, dazed by the sudden piercing sound. He then jumped into action, grabbing at his suit and hurriedly putting it on. 

 

The intercom boomed with Allura's voice, but Keith wasn't exactly listening. He hurried out of his room, spotting a familiar black and white blur run by. Keith followed Shiro. He pushed his emotions aside for now.

 

Protecting the universe was more important. 

 

They were going to their respective lions. Keith grabbed his hangar and began gliding down towards his lion. That's when he realized how grave the situation. Without Lance, there was no blue paladin. There would be no forming Voltron. They're without their biggest asset, fighting a fleet that has been ruling for thousands of years. 

 

"...Fuck."

 

He quickly arrived at his lion, immediately shooting out of the castle. He glanced around, then saw what exactly was wrong. There was a large wave of Galra ships and a mothership farther back. Keith grimaced. _So this was the plan, huh? Just blitz attack? How sophisticated and well thought out._

 

He dove towards the fleet, directing their lasers away from the castle. 

 

"Keith, what are you doing?" Shiro questioned as the red lion was bombarded with lasers shooting towards it. 

 

"The castle only has the particle barrier to protect it, so it has to last in a situation like this." Keith explained, now weaving through the many rays shooting towards him. He could hear beeping past the adrenaline pumping through his ears and his teammates trying to form a plan that included what he was doing. 

 

"Come on Red, we got this." Keith muttered, harshly swerving and pulling at the controls. He was the best pilot. He was the only one who could do this.

 

"Keith, we need you to pull back." Shiro commanded. 

 

"I got this, Shiro." Keith responded, suddenly wishing that there were seat belts as he violently dodged Galra ships.

 

"Keith! That's an order." Shiro responded, using such a stern tone that it stunned Pidge and Hunk into silence. 

 

"Look, I can just-" Keith objected, angrily pausing to form a sentence that made sense. He was sent backwards as he was rammed into. He lost control, dazed as he was sent spinning into space aimlessly. The force of the moment sent him back into his pilot chair. The spinning stopped when Hunk intercepted the red lion from spinning with his own lion. 

 

"You okay dude?" Hunk asked, concern laced in his voice, though mild.

 

"...Yeah, Yeah." Keith said, grabbing his controls again. "I'm good." He lept back into action.

 

"...okay. You're welcome." Hunk responded, jumping back to the other two lions. Well, one. The black lion was cutting in front of the red lion to prevent it from going back into the fight. 

 

"Keith! We have to work as a team! Stop being an individual because we know that won't work here!" Shiro was practically yelling into the headset. Keith winced and pulled back. 

 

"Fine, fine! What's your plan?" Keith responded angrily. He was clearly irritated. Treat him as an outsider then say to _work as a team. Perfect logic!_

 

Needless to say, Keith was rather annoyed. 

 

 

He sighed as he more or less fell back. Shiro explained the poorly constructed plan. Hunk was on protection of the ship, Shiro and Pidge were handing the mothership and the back of the fleet, and Keith was told to hold back the front of the fleet until they found time to retreat. He hated that word. He didn't want to retreat, he never wanted to back down from a fight. 

 

He threw himself back at the fleet, ignoring whatever the other pilots were saying in favour of focusing on the task in front of him; destroying the ships so there could be no way that anyone was getting hurt today. 

 

Shiro seemed content, as did everyone else for through the blur he couldn't hear his name mentioned. He continued to rip and tear apart the fleet, his lion truly representing the animal it was created after for it tore through space with the violence of a wild animal. Spaceships were flying in bits left and right, but Keith wasn't focused on the aftermath. He was after his next target, his next target, his next target. 

 

_I have to prove that I'm a valuable member of the team._

 

"Keith-" Hunk started to speak up, but paused as he flung the space debris hurling towards the ship out of the way. 

 

_I have to give them a reason to like me._

 

"Keith!" Hunk said a bit louder, now getting both Pidge's and Shiro's attention. Hunk forced more broken Galra ships out of the way. 

 

_I can take them all down!_

 

"KEITH!" Hunk shouted, sending everyone to a halt. Hunk was still doing damage control, trying to protect the castle. He knew the castle was not fragile, but Lance was in there and it'd be the last thing Hunk did if he let his friend go through anymore pain. 

 

Keith glared at the ships, realizing his cease in attack made him a huge target. "What do you want?!" He asked, now switching his battle plan to evade.

 

"Stop being so reckless! You're going to hurt someone!" Hunk shot back, his soft demeanour pushed aside in favour of protecting his friend.

 

"You're doing fine, aren't you?" Keith had anger take over him, shooting back such a remark that pushed Hunk back into silence. 

 

"Stop fighting!" Pidge intervened over the waves. Keith continued to push himself to fight. He would take down all this ships. If it cost him his life, so be it.

 

_Zarkon needs to pay._

 

He threw more ships around angrily. 

 

_His army made me hurt Lance._

 

He heard protests from Hunk, and ignored them. 

 

_I'll never forgive for that._

 

He continued his aimless firing. He got turned around, rage burning his body. He continued to fire, fire, fire, he wanted them all gone.

 

_They need to suffer._

 

He didn't know which way was which. He just knew to fire, fire, fire. 

 

And he hit the yellow lion. Hunk screamed in surprise, calling attention to the situation. Everything seemed in slow motion from there. The yellow lion crashing into the castle. Hunk yelling, but Keith couldn't hear him. 

 

He just hit his teammate.

 

He just hit the ship.

 

Who was he anymore? 

 

Keith felt like he was moving at a snail's pace. The thing that sent him back into reality was his own alarm blaring. He just did the worse possible thing. He was shell shocked, really. Nothing seemed okay. He felt like he just lost the war.

 

"... Permission to dock, Shiro." 

 

"... Permission granted, Keith."

 

Keith retreated into the castle, parking. He walked into the front board, confronted by Allura and Coran. Systems were blaring and the look- _the look_  - on their faces almost sent him to tears. Keith wasn't one to cry, but part of him, for the first time in a very _very_ long time wanted to just cry. He felt completely hopeless as he sat down in his chair, pausing before realizing he could still help. He started using the controls that laid in front of him. He had to make up for it.

 

The yellow lion had to pull in. The shot had did a bit of damage, and it needed to rest in order to recover. Hunk soon appeared in the entrance way, silent as he sat down in his chair. He looked just a tad bruised, and he favoured his right side ever so slightly. Keith could stop himself from staring at him, but he didn't.

 

The green and black paladins were still fighting, Hunk was tapping furiously at his controls, and Keith couldn't move an inch. 

 

He thought he was a good guy. 

 

He was a good guy.

 

_**Was.** _

 

He didn't want that to happen to someone like Hunk. Hunk did nothing wrong. Hunk had done probably the least amount of wrong out of all of them in fact. Keith struggled to get back into focus. He could only think how he deserved to suffer, rather than Hunk. He was ready to die on the battlefield, but hurting a friend, a part of this makeshift family seemed too much to him. 

 

He stared at the ground, immobilized. 

 

_I deserve to be battered._


	4. Disconnection and Equations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Man, is Keith having a rough time or what?

The battle lasted not much longer until Allura piped up with good news; they could retreat. Despite his state, Keith could still feel his anger rise at the word. He bit it back. He couldn't, not now. He didn't deserve to be angry. Allura opened a wormhole, sending the ship in as fast it would go. The green and black lion managed to land inside as the ship was just starting to enter, closing the gates. Everything was starting to die down, the castle firing one last shot at the Galra ships that were having a large amount of difficulty trying to fly through it's own debris. 

 

Finally, the thread that had been snapped could be examined. Keith for once was scared. He felt fear usually for it was like any other emotion, but this was different. Fear would usually fuel him, but this time it held him frozen in his chair that stood erect in the control room. He didn't know if he was still breathing. 

 

Pidge and Shiro both walked into the control room, and their immediate attention was given to Hunk. They practically dashed over to him, checking out his injuries. 

 

"That looks bad, maybe you should go in a healing pod-" 

 

"It's fine Pidge, it's just bruising, it'll heal in no time." Hunk reassured, smiling, as he showed his injuries to his fellow teammates.

 

Keith couldn't help but watch the scene unfold in his chair. He was pretty sure he wasn't breathing anymore. There was his _family_ , without him. Coran and Allura had walked over too, examining Hunk and discussing the ambush they had experienced with Shiro. All that was missing was Lance it seemed. He would probably be the first one to check on Hunk, they had such a good relationship. 

 

_I'm... disposable._

 

The thought clicked together and now Keith realized that he couldn't handle watching the scene before him. It made his chest a little too tight, his body a little too sore, his mind a little too clouded, and his emotions a little too strong. He forced himself to his feet, making a march in the direction of the exit. He only managed a few feet when the attention was turned to him. He could tell because all chatter died down and now it was his footsteps on the cold metal floor. 

 

"Stop there Keith." Shiro said with a tone almost too cold and now Keith was ready to break down. He actually missed his shack where he lived in solitude, for it was the only time he could remember off the top of his head where he didn't feel this pressure on his chest and- _oh god_ \- he was shaking like a leaf. 

 

He forced his body to turn the direction of his once-family. Everything felt out of sync. He felt like he wasn't actually himself but rather a spectator watching a scene like it was some show on television. Or something like that, he didn't watch much TV on earth. 

 

"I want to talk to you about today. Please stay." Shiro said formally, Keith giving a simple nod in response. 

 

"We all want to talk to you about today." Pidge piped up, not bothering to conceal their angry tone. "Make yourself comfy." 

 

"Pidge-" 

 

"I want to discuss this too, and I think Hunk should be there also."

 

Allura and Coran glanced to each other, giving each other a knowing look that none of the paladins quite understood. They both gave a small nod in unison. "Excuse us, but I think we may make our leave." Allura said quickly, and with a few hurried steps, the two were gone. 

 

And suddenly, the room felt a whole lot more suffocating to Keith even though two people had left. The team walked up to them, Shiro in the middle while Hunk stood on his left and Pidge on his right. Keith felt so so cornered. 

 

_Who are these people?_

 

Keith felt like he didn't know them anymore, strangers. He pushed down the urge to talk and even the urge to run away. 

 

"What was that out there." Hunk was the first to speak up, which in usual circumstances would be comforting but with _that tone_ and _that look_ Keith's mind went to mush. 

 

"I-... " Keith tried to formed a thought, but to no avail. He didn't like this. He wanted control back, but he was still watching this scene play out. His lips and mouth felt dry and his limbs shook in a way that was not visible to the naked eye but Keith could feel the rattling in his bones. He could feel sweat trickling down his face. How long had they been in silence? Hours? Minutes? Seconds? Keith couldn't tell anymore. He tried to set up an explanation again, licking his lips. 

 

"I-I--" 

 

"...Exactly." Pidge interrupted Keith's weak attempt to speak. The one word sent millions of questions spiralling around in his head. 

 

_What?_

_What do they mean by that?_

_I haven't even said anything yet!_

Even Hunk and Shiro looked a bit confused, glancing to Pidge for an explanation, although after a second Hunk seemed to understand. 

 

"Exactly," Hunk repeated, his tone far from nice, "it's all individual. There is absolutely no 'we' or 'us' going on in that head of yours." There was a small silence as the words sunk in.

 

"Hunk does have a point." Shiro agreed. Pidge took a step forward, reading into the situation on a whole new level. 

 

"You're so reckless, but for what? You're just going to hurt others that way and it's bad enough that you incapacitated Lance so that we are down a pilot and can't form Voltron."

 

Keith bit his tongue, although it didn't stop the sharp inhale that told Shiro enough.

 

"Pidge, Keith had no choice." 

 

"There is ALWAYS a choice!" Pidge countered, "but Keith decided to do the most reckless thing possible! No attention to the fact that Lance would be scarred and of course, being the selfish individual he is, Keith didn't consider it!" 

 

Shiro shook his head, getting rather frustrated. "Stop blaming Keith, he had to make a choice and he did." 

 

Hunk tried to pipe up, trying to mediate the dispute, but Pidge and Shiro talked over him.

 

Keith felt just sick. He never felt this flurry of emotions before in his life. He couldn't quite place it. _It's my fault, this team is falling apart and it's my fault- Oh **God** \- what can I do-_ Keith was panting ever so slightly, Pidge and Shiro caught up and their first fight. Shiro was never mad and here he was, almost shouting at Pidge. Keith fought to catch his voice again that was stuck in his throat, reaching out weakly at the two of them. Hunk gave him a look that was borderline pity, as if he could see the torment Keith was going over and over in his head. 

 

Pidge turned to Keith, furious. "We are all worried for Lance, you're just the only one who can't suck it up and act at least a bit more level! Have at least a bit of decency! What, do you think we actually are all fine and dandy waiting for him?! Knowing that when he comes out he's going to be missing a limb and it's going to be **your fault**."

 

Keith snapped as the voice he had lost came bubbling to the surface. 

 

"You really think I don't know that? Do you know how many times I have run through that scene in my head? Do you not realize that I know you're fucking right because you're PIDGE, and everything you say seems to be correct. I don't need a reminder that I fucked up. Or maybe I do, because you're like an alarm clock. 'It's 3:00 PM! You fucked up!'" Keith ran a hand through his hair, not quite finished. "And what's this about being an individual?! Do you guys not realize how you've _excluded me_  from this team? You guys don't want any part of me! And frankly, I'm fine with that." 

 

Keith lied. 

 

He wasn't okay with that. 

 

There was a long silence, Keith was panting, mostly because the air in this room was too little for him. He was suffocating with the tension. Shiro was glaring at the floor. Hunk seemed shocked out of his body, unmoving. Pidge held the stern look at Keith, but it seemed slightly weakened.

 

"Keith, you're excused to your quarters." Shiro said, his voice low and filled with intensity that made Keith's blood run cold. 

 

"Shiro-" he started, but was surprised as Shiro cut him off. 

 

"Quarters. Now." 

 

Keith didn't fight anymore. It was all gone from him. He tightened his lips into a flat line and narrowed his eyes, fixating on what was on the floor. He trudged out of the room. The lump in his throat matched the one in his stomach. He despised this new sensation of hopelessness. Yet another fight between paladins and it was his fault. He seemed to be the only one tearing this team apart and he didn't know how to stitch it back together. Without Lance, he and the the team were falling apart, proving Lance's importance in clear black and white.

 

Lance was the glue. He was funny and kind, but sometimes was the only thing holding them together. It's like he knew what to say and how he would do things so selflessly. Keith never hated Lance, and didn't understand what he did to get such negative attention. 

 

  
_At least Lance has a reason to hate me now_. Keith smiled to himself -and at himself- from the dark humour. He found himself so, _so_ pitiful.

 

He reached his room and still in battered armour, laid down in bed. He could feel anxiety and guilt creeping over him as he curled up to face the wall that made the foot of his bed. He could feel the negative emotions build up. He needed to release these pent up emotions and he refused to do it in anger on another for he saw today how that affected his team. He was too tired to train.

 

For the first time he could remember, Keith cried.

 

He curled up on himself, letting silent tears fall down onto the bed from his left cheek as he laid on his side, blankly staring at the wall. He didn't make a sound. He just stared and stared as he let his emotions hit him wave after wave. 

 

He was angry at himself for his trouble with his emotions and his stupid decision. He felt guilty because of the fact that Lance didn't deserve anything wrong done to him. Sure, he could be irritating, but he was a good guy. He felt sorrowful that he was tearing his family apart, the only ones he'd open up to, albeit only a tad, and he managed to screw up. He let himself wallow in the three major ones that messed with him the most. He found another deep down that surprised him. 

 

He was _anxious_.

 

Anxious was the word. Anxious over what Lance will say. Anxious about how this would blow over. Anxious about how many times will he be blamed for this. Anxious about Lance going home and his family blaming 'Keith, that boy who was too stupid to save their Lance's leg'.

 

The anxiety was more than that really. It was this constant paranoia that drove into his mind, filling his mind with thoughts that were completely irrational, but still filled him with fear. He actually let out a sob now. It was choked and weak, something he was trying to conceal. He was terrified, this fear gripping onto his heart. He didn't want this team to fall apart, not when he had found the purpose of why he felt that energy, _that calling_ to be greater than he was. He didn't want to lose Lance's stupid jokes, Hunk's cooking, Pidge's wit, and Shiro's wise leadership. Hell, he didn't want to lose Allura's determination or Coran's... interesting cooking. 

 

Keith wanted nothing more than to stay in the bed forever. He knew better though, getting up and getting out of his armour. He hung it up, feeling apprehensive. He was still shedding tears, he realized. But he had to work past emotions. He got ready for bed, curling up in the very nook of the bed, against the walls. It made him feel slightly better. 

 

His thoughts would not stop. He hated this constant reminder that he was nothing but bad for the team. He managed to stop his tears, but his breathing was not quite there yet. He pulled the pillow to underneath his head. Once this was over, once Lance got up something was going to have to change for the better. He had to fix all of this somehow, for Lance. Lance was the only one who currently didn't really hate him, but that would probably change when he got up. Either way, Lance didn't deserve to come back to a team of individuals. 

 

Words from earlier rang through his head. _I was the individual that tore them apart. I have to be the one to fix this for them._  


 

A soloution came to mind, it was only in theory though. It would solve everything if he just- maybe- 

 

_Maybe I should leave Voltron._

 

He was going to lose everything anyways, might as well go to his lonely, mundane lifestyle that didn't really have a purpose any more because that energy that brought him here was what he had gave his life to find.

 

_It'll be what's best for everyone. I'm not a variable in this equation._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. :)


	5. A Routine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith likes the Warrior Cats series.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written with a slightly different style, but I feel it really expresses what I wanted to get across well.

 

Waking up was different than any other time Keith had on the ship. His eyes felt swollen and he sighed as the reflective metal wall showed that they were indeed red and puffy.

_Wow, you've reached new depths of pathetic, Keith._

He deserved an award.

The teenager forced himself to his feet, sluggishly pushing off the bed and rubbing at his eyes as if it would make his problems disappear. He threw on his jacket, getting himself into his normal, decent clothes. He stared at the reflective wall, his tired eyes boring into the one's that fully stared back at him. He felt hollow, that's how he would describe it. Nothing really mattered. Food? You could live up to two weeks without it. Training? Well he was good enough on his feet to hold off just about anyone already, so what's the point? He trudged out of his room, warily looking around.

He didn't want to see anyone.

 _Except Lance_ , the one person that probably didn't currently wish he wasn't the red paladin. Though he won't always be, the crew could probably find someone else who can pilot the red lion. She could choose a new pilot, it would be easy to find someone short tempered like him. _I am disposable. The last Voltron crew was, for if they weren't we wouldn't be here. I can be forgotten, and just disappear._  Keith could. If he just threw himself into space, nobody would miss him on Earth. Not that he would. His plan was reassignment, not suicide.

That's what it was, right? A plan?

A last resort plan.

He managed to get to the hygiene centre unspotted. He washed his face, the cool water helping to ease the swelling. He stared at the clear reflection in the mirror, squinting. Putting it nicely, he looked like shit.

"You got to get yourself together." Keith said to himself, something he never imagined himself doing. He pointed a finger at the reflection, who held that same stern glare. "Hold it in until..." he paused. There would be no end unless he quit. He left that sentence hanging as he marched out of the facility. He took a glance at the at the universal clock in the living space, one of the few time indicators on the ship. It was still so early that you could consider it night back on earth.

 _Good._ He thought _, No one is up around this time._

He pushed himself to follow a routine. He didn't want to care about his well being at all, but he knew to keep himself in good shape to aid the team. He arrived at the kitchen, got himself a plate of food goo, and sat down. He tried to eat rather quickly, for he didn't want to be caught and forced into an awkward lack of conversation. He felt every lift of his hand to force the metal spoke into his mouth, it felt so much heavier. Why hadn't he noticed it before? He glanced to the chair next to him, half expecting Lance, lounging way too casually in his chair, making fun of something- _anything_  - about Keith. He'd have his plate on his chest, slouched into the chair with his long legs propped up, eating while almost horizontal just to piss him off. Keith glared at the spot. It was like he could see Lance sitting there now, eating in a dangerously awkward position where he could choke on his food at any second but he would not sit up if Keith told him to, he'd just slide down further unless someone else came into the room, in which he'd immediately snap back up.

He blinked as flashes of Lance on _that planet_ with _that rock_ and _that look_ distorted the image _._

God, did he miss Lance. He was just lonely without the constant bickering, that was all.

He snuck away to the training deck. He had to keep to a schedule, a schedule that kept him far away from the others. He forced himself to train. Forced himself at the robots, the simulations, anything. He didn't care how battered he was, if getting hurt would make him stronger for the team, he would take anything. By dinner of that day, he surprised himself at how his skills of observing his teammates has made him able to become the ghost of the castle. He could do this.

_He could do this until he had the chance to apologize to Lance._

He didn't sleep, that was the one thing he didn't allow himself to take care of. Or rather, he simply couldn't sleep that night. The team was ready to blame him, disown him, eject him into space in his dreams. He spent the first half of the night waking up every once in awhile in a panting mess, tangled in the blanket that restrained him in his dream. He knew that was irrational; no matter what they wouldn't simply get rid of him that way but his brain had to pick something to focus his feelings on. He cursed his own brain, eventually giving up on the concept of sleep. He got dressed and it was most definitely 'night' as he stepped out onto the cold metal floor.

So instead, he went to watch over Lance.

Keith couldn't explain his need to check on the Cuban boy, other than the obvious fact that he was in the wrong and he just wanted to make it right. Something about Lance was comforting and warming to him. A breath of fresh air in a sense, since he was the only one who challenged him with those stupid remarks and his wild hand gestures. It was refreshing to have an argument with him, and Shiro would probably disagree.

That's why this silence was so unbearable.

_So he filled it up._

He spoke about anything that came to mind, his hobbies, old poems, a book series he had read long ago that ended ridiculously. That topic was fun for him while he was explaining to the healing pod about this character's hardships. Discrimination. War. How he survived battles and other things that should of wiped him out. The troubles and the hard work the character had done was finally going to be finished. The final battle was won.

"Then a fucking tree fell on him and killed him! A fucking tree!" Keith practically yelled, before realizing that Lance wasn't actually listening. He was using hand gestures as well, his hands in mid air to display his torment over the anticlimactic ending. He quickly sat on his hands, embarrassed, though no one was there to see his animated actions. He laughed pitifully at himself. Ah, he was the biggest loser, and he knew Lance would shamelessly point it out to him.

He rose to his feet, brushing himself off. He felt better talking to Lance and him actually listening. He hoped one day he would be conscious, and maybe even have him interrupt with ridiculous questions. He felt apprehensive when he realized that might not happen. He tried his hardest to shrug it off. He waved goodbye without thinking and started to march away. The raven haired teen was going to be early for his training, but he didn't mind. He realized when he got to the training deck that he forgot to mention the best part of the story.

**It was about a fucking cat.**

The next night, he didn't even bother with trying to sleep. He headed straight to Lance's pod, examining his leg through the tinted glass. It seemed to be healed, but Keith was sure he fucked up a lot of things in his leg internally. _It won't be long now until he wakes up._

Suddenly, the room felt too small for Keith. All the anxiety he had earlier came rushing back. What if Lance never forgave him. What if Lance could never walk again, even with a robotic limb and it was all his fault. He knew Lance would be upset, he was sure of it. A hopeful part of him still believed Lance would understand why he did what he thought was the right thing. Instead of listening to all the negative things, he focused on the little hopeful voice, for it was the only thing keeping him completely sane right now. It didn't stop his hands from running through his hair aimlessly. He had to make the room bigger, he had to start talking and saying something before the room closed in on him. The room felt lonely with one conscious person.

So he talked. He just talked more about the same story from before, and how the whole story was about a cat that was born a house cat and went into the wild. He talked about how he probably made it sound so good, but was really just a book series about a fucking cat. He talked about why he was so passionate about it and _oh god Lance I'm so sorry please don't hate me. Please don't leave me alone please don't please don't I can't lose everyone here I can't lose whatever friendship we have. Had?_

Keith was crying now, clutching his head. The room closed in on him. It was just him, alone again, stuck in the small dark space he knew too well and held a bit of comfort before he knew what it was like to actually have people there for him as a constant. He struggled for composure as he returned to that space of alone, trying to tell himself that _it's okay, he has the bright blue sky with the golden sand, and his awesome hover bike, and all those book series he loves, and his shack, and-_

_and none of those he has right now in space._

Keith wasn't getting his composure back anytime soon.

  
The teenager hadn't realized he had passed out until there was a strong hand shaking his shoulder with the upmost gentleness. He didn't need to open his eyes to know it was Shiro, probably showing up to check on Lance. He pried his eyes open anyways, now swollen slightly from his crying session. Yep, Shiro. He pushed the hand away half heartedly, closing his eyes as if he could really escape reality that way. He wish he could just sink into the floor.

"Keith, please get up. We need to talk." Shiro said, surprising Keith because _that was his gentle kind voice, he never thought he'd hear that again_. It was enough to convince himself to open his eyes and straighten his body from the sword position of leaning, hunched over, against the pod.

Shiro had a tray of food and a glass of water. He felt that look of pity heat his body up when he saw it on Shiro's face. "Eat." He ordered, offering the plate.

"I'm good." He pushed the plate away.

"No you're not."

"You don't know how I feel." Keith shot back.

"But I do know that you're not taking care of yourself, and that says tons." Shiro countered, slightly aggressive but his fight disappeared as he released a sigh. "Look, I know it's been tough on you, but you need to take care of yourself."

Keith frowned. "Why are you babying me of all people?! I get that it was me who made that stupid decision but Pidge and Hunk are probably broken up about this too, they've known Lance longer! Why don't you just go and nurse them?!"

Shiro looked a bit surprised. "You and Lance are close too, you guys are always bickering, and you can't deny that's formed a relationship between you too as well. Pidge and Hunk are still working and eating through all this, but I need to go through the castle's video feeds to see what you've been up to."

Keith grimaced. He had so many emotions coursing through him. "I'm still alive aren't I?! You see, I eat, I make sure I keep fit, I'm fine!"

"No, you're not!" Shiro barked back. Keith was surprised at the harsh tone, and could feel this smug voice in the back of his head saying it was impressive how he got Shiro to bark like that.

"Okay, Doctor Shiro, diagnose me! What's wrong with me? Huh?!" Keith moved his arms from his sides to the open air, his body language saying _try me._

"You're a lovesick imbecile, and I'm tired of seeing you self destruct!" Shiro wasn't near shouting, but it still shocked Keith into silence.

 _What_?

**Lovesick??**

Keith took the empty silence to piece together what Shiro just said. Shiro was trying to regain composure.

"Anyways, I want you to resume normal routine and get some sleep back in your bed. Lance should be coming out today so you can rest easy." He tried to cover up the outburst. He was Shiro, he had to be the level-headed leader all the time.

When Shiro got up to leave, Keith put it together.

"... Holy fuck, how did you put that together before I did???" Keith was surprised. He didn't realize before that he liked the Cuban, but now it was obvious when Shiro said those words. He heard Shiro chuckle a bit, which was a drastic change from their fight.

"It got kind of obvious to me after awhile. You're taking this hard, and I knew it couldn't all be stress." Shiro said, glancing over his shoulder. The look on Keith's face was enough to make the man turn around. He looked a bit overwhelmed. Shiro gave him a smile that dispersed as quickly as it came.

"This doesn't change anything." Keith said aloud, in a way too formal voice. It made Shiro's face scrunch up in disapproval.

"Keith, the truth will come out eventually." He said simply.

"Oh what, what am I supposed to say?! 'Hi Lance, sorry I cut your leg off, by the way I just found out I have a stupid crush on you'? That'll blow over really well, yeah." Keith sighed as he stood up, placing the food on the floor as he paced a bit.

"Keith-"

"Don't Shiro, this is just a mess, a mess it is."

"Keith, the pod is shutting down." Shiro said in a more urgent tone, walking over to the pod. Keith glanced over the pod.

Keith froze on the spot because _fuck the pod is slowing down which means it's done that means that's as good as Lance's leg is going to get and he has no time to think now and, and-_

_**Lance is going to wake.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) Oops.


	6. Like A Bucket Of Cold Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone. This chapter took me awhile, and honestly, I think it is my least favourite one so far due to the writing I've slaved over (I have no regrets over the contents).
> 
> Lance wakes up. Ha ha.

Keith and Shiro were both anxiously waiting right in front of the pod, watching intently as the pod was preparing to shut off. Keith was terrified and ecstatic. He wanted to see Lance animated again, see his over dramatic actions, but he didn't want to be here for what came next.

_Maybe this was a bad idea._

The pod's lid started to deteriorate and as soon as it released Lance's limp body, two pairs of arms were there to catch him as he started to come to his senses. The three of them made their way to the floor, Lance groaning as Shiro and Keith sat him down.

"Hey guys." He said sleepily, removing his arms from Shiro and Keith's grasp to rub his still closed eyes.

"Hey, Lance. How are you feeling?" Shiro said with such a gentle tone that it made Lance smile.

"Dude, I'm fine, just a bit dizzy." He was leaning to Shiro's side, without a second leg to hold him down. Keith realized with dread that Lance hadn't grasped the situation yet because nothing had directed him to make the horrid discovery.

Finally, Lance opened his eyes, and Keith felt entrapped by the blue eyes that looked dead ahead. Then he glanced down, and the small grin and those beautiful, bright, happy eyes disappeared to be replace by a shocked scream.

"HOLY FUCK! MY LEG!" Lance shouted, going to grab what was no longer there. It caused him to nearly fall over if it wasn't for the hand now holding him upright, courtesy of Shiro. Keith wouldn't admit it, but he had flinched at the loud noise ever so slightly.

"Lance, calm down. " Shiro said calmly, letting out a deep breath. Lance was breathing erratically now, gripping the floor for support. He was still hunched over, Shiro holding him up from what Keith could tell. He felt like if he touched Lance he would break the Cuban teen.

"C-Calm down?!" He sputtered out, looking up to glare at Shiro. Keith took the time to study the floor, listening. He didn't want to be here.  _Bad idea, bad idea._  "How the hell am I supposed to stay calm?!" Keith could hear Lance panting for air and Shiro suck a breath in through his teeth.

"Lance, just, take deep breaths." Keith blurted out. He was worried about him to say the least, but didn't mean to actually vocalize his thoughts. Lance whipped his head around to look at Keith and the look-  _the look_ \- Lance gave him made him feel as if he had just been kicked across the room.

"You." It took on word to paralyze his heart and melt his brain. Keith was absolutely cornered.

"You- You- You did this! Don't tell me what to do! You have no right! None!" Lance was trying to push Keith away but Shiro's hand kept his torso still so he was only using the strength of his arms. Lance settled for swatting and Keith, who had now backed up.

"I can't- I can't believe I trusted you! You- you- Asshole! Jerk! I can't believe- you'd just-" Shiro's hand was now pulling Lance against him.

"Lance, he had no choice. It was either your leg or your life!" Shiro was trying to defuse the situation, but the tone he was using told Keith that he was getting worked up too.

"I'd rather have my life taken! I'm useless like this!" Lance was physically shaking; or at least Keith thought so. Maybe it was him who was shaking. His lips had become stone and his voice was in his throat.

"Lance-"

"No, don't fucking tell me to calm down!" Lance was screaming at the top of his lungs. It was deafening to Keith. It was like his whole world was muted, but also extra loud at the same time.  _I expected this, didn't I? Then why am I so surprised?_

"La-"

"I can't swim, I can't surf, I can't- I can't be a pilot, I can't be a paladin, I can't be a warrior even- Fuck, I can't even stand! It's all his fault! Let me- Let me at him!" Shiro was now holding Lance to his own chest, Lance trying to swipe at him with his long limbs. If Keith wasn't so far away, he'd let him do so. "Let me go! Let me go!" Lance was toning down his voice, trying to break free of Shiro's grasp.

"We'll find a way! Lance, I need you to calm down!" Shiro was shouting gruffly, but neither teenagers were listening. Keith was not even in the same room anymore, his body was a shell while his mind tried to hide away.

_This is it._

Lance had quieted down a bit, fighting for breath. His time in the pod had made him weak, and he needed some food to regain some of that energy.

_I'm... I don't want this to end like this._

"Lanc- Lance, I'm sorry-" Keith tried to speak, his voice small.

Lance didn't bat an eye. "Shiro, get me away from him."

"Lance, that's a bit-"

"Shiro. I want to see Hunk. And Pidge. Just, get me away from him." He spoke in a low voice, and Keith couldn't tell which was worse. The yelling that paralyzed him, or the coldness in the tone he spoke with that held him frozen in place. Keith could feel his mouth opening and closing, but nothing was coming out.

Shiro slowly picked Lance up, holding him against his chest. The face he made showed that he didn't want to leave Keith, that he wanted to resolve this conflict.

_But he still marched out the door, Leaving Keith alone._

Keith sat frozen in place, still trying to find something to hold onto. His words, his body was taken from him; He couldn't move if he tried. But his mind was racing. Panic flooded into his senses.

_Lance will never forgive me. He'll never smile in my general direction. He'll never want to bicker with me. He won't talk to me. I'm going to be alone. I am alone._

Keith finally was broken out of the spell his was under. He grabbed at his head, curling up on himself. He hid his head within the pocket his knees and chest made. He was truly alone now. Pidge, Hunk, Lance and maybe even Shiro has had enough with him. They all seem to want him to disappear.

_I'm going to leave Voltron._

His mind was made up, as he let out a choked sob. He was alone, really alone now, no one to turn to.

_I'm leaving Voltron._

It was decided to him. He had nowhere left to go, but it was better than staying here and watching his family turn away and  _I thought I was free from this loneliness but I really don't have anything anymore._

Keith was crying heavily. He wanted someone to be with him. To tell him that they're here especially for him, that he isn't alone. He couldn't handle this loneliness anymore; not when he wasn't alone on this ship, when it was deliberate isolation created by the other members of the crew.

Keith tried to catch his composure but it was gone with the air as he gulped for more, more, more- he couldn't breathe. He didn't realize just how strong his emotions were until we gasping for breath through the hot tears that strolled down his face and the sobs that constricted his throat. He let himself fall onto his side, trying to hide. He let it out, who was there to care anymore? Allura and Coran maybe, but they weren't close enough. Everyone was way too far. Different universes; Keith hated it.

Eventually, his sobs slowed. He knew it was rather pointless to cry, it didn't matter. No one was there to witness him crying, no one would come take pity, not that he wanted people to see him at his low. He managed to stop himself and was now laying on his side, numbly staring across the room. He figured everyone was currently talking with Lance, trying to help him, excited about him being conscious again.

It was about a half hour after Keith had stopped crying when he pushed himself to sit up. He felt sick, the world spinning on him ever so slightly as the blood rushed down his body.  _I thought I was taking care of myself but... my head's pounding. Maybe it's from crying._

He stood up, forcing himself to his feet. Sleep deprivation tugged at him as he marched out of the room. He made his way down the hallways, hearing the others chattering excitedly in what he thinks is the kitchen. He walked the opposite way, towards the training deck. He couldn't handle that, not now.

Training was harder. Eyes blearily and mind unfocused, Keith found himself learning just how many different ways his body can hit the ground. He always forced himself back up, feeling the want to be thrown down again. He knew he had done something wrong. This was a way to punish himself, so to say.

And he hit again.

And again.

And again.

And-

"Keith, it's the middle of resting time, why aren't you resting?" A voice pulled him out of his thoughts. Gentle, as always. He turned to look at Shiro, before being knocked in the back by the end of the pole the simulated gladiator held.

... Yeah, he had that coming.

Shiro jogged closer, for once not in his normal clothes but rather his sleeping clothes. He ordered the simulation to end, going to help the teenager up. So when his hand was swatted away instead of being taken for help, his brows furrowed. Keith pushed himself to his feet.

"Well?" Shiro asked, crossing his arms.

"I don't want to sleep." Keith grumbled out, picking up his sword. He knew how beaten and sweaty he looked but frankly he didn't care.

"Listen, Keith-" Shiro sighed, unfolding his arms. He put a hand on his shoulder, which was brushed off. "-I know you've been through a lot, but you need rest. It's not good for you."

"You mean it's not good for Voltron." Keith corrected, sending daggers at Shiro. The man was rather shocked.

"What do you mean?"

Keith sighed angrily, as if the answer was obvious. "If I'm not up to par, we can't form Voltron. That's what you're thinking about. You don't need to worry about that, I can manage."

"Keith, you don't think I think that way."

"Well, what am I supposed to think when you take him away, leave me alone! And you- you didn't come back for me. Nobody cares." Keith pinched the bridge of his nose. "Just leave me alone. I'll rest eventually."

Shiro stood there hurt for the longest time, the only sound between them was the breathing. It was too quiet, but the air was too thick to breathe, let alone talk. They just stared at each other, but the connection they had was rather dislocated. Keith's eyes were unreadable, but also something came into light for Shiro.

Keith was always alone. Shiro was just pushed out, and Keith was off in his own bubble again. He expected this. And Shiro made it so so so much worse for the poor boy. He wanted to tell the man in another universe that he was there for him, that  _he will always be right here for him, that he wasn't alone, that he'd always protect him just like everyone, that he was a part of his family, that-_

"Just- just go.." Keith said rather weakly, holding his arm tightly. Shiro couldn't figure out if it was to resist getting physical or to prevent himself from breaking down.

" If you're not in bed in two hours, I'm coming back here." Shiro responded, realizing that he wasn't going to break this bubble down in one sentence. He needed the bubble gone, but maybe after a rest the shield, the protective barrier will deteriorate after Keith wasn't sleep deprived.

Keith didn't move, waiting for Shiro to leave. The raven haired boy didn't even give a nod of confirmation. So yes, Shiro turned to leave. That was the only sound that registered to Keith.

It was only when Shiro was at the door Keith spoke up again.

"Shiro. I'm leaving Voltron. I'll tell everyone else tomorrow."

Shiro just gave a nod.

And that bubble got a lot thicker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. Didn't get to edit, please tell me about any spelling/grammar mistakes.


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